A reader said it would be helpful if I wrote about how I became obese. So this is how I piled on the pounds.
I was never a fat child. I almost had to be strapped into a chair and ordered to eat. I have no memories of food being the sensational pleasure it later become.
Okay boomer!
Mine was a fairly typical babyboomer upbringing. Freedom to play outside mainly because there were far fewer cars and lots more children. We built dens, played cowboys and indians or cops and robbers, whatever was popular on TV. I wanted to be Billy The Cat from The Beano and Catwoman from Batman. Food was an evil necessity those nasty grownups insisted we had.
I did have favourite foods. But I don’t ever recall waking up in the morning and my first thought being what I would eat that day. Food for babyboomers was functional, very rarely a treat. You ate what you were given and given no choice.
Saturday sweet hit
Our Saturday sixpence pocket money was all spent on sweets which were demolished within minutes of being bought. Pear drops, twisted candy strips, refreshers, sweet cigarettes and other sugar-loaded goodies went down happily for the few minutes it took to eat them then it was back to running around all day. Sweets in the week were forbidden. Our teeth stayed healthy.
Teenage munchies
Once I became a teenager my appetite became voracious. Yet although I was a keen ‘fridge raider food was still functional. It wasn’t till I left home and started feeding myself that I realised what an absolute joy food could be. I left home at 16 which wasn’t unusual then. Flats and bedsits were cheap and there were plenty jobs. My generation was keen to leave home soon as we could.
Whereas I once thought it supremely irksome to have to eat now I found it wonderful. No matter what else what going on in your life you had to eat.
The novelty of supermarkets and food shopping has never left me. I even adore online grocery shopping and get a thrill with every delivery.
Live to eat
I fell in love with food. I thought about it all the time. How soon was the next meal, what would I eat.
I associated freedom to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with leaving home. Shaking off parental controls. If like me you live to eat it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll become overweight or obese. But it doesn’t exactly help!
Food associations
Mention weddings to me and I don’t think about the bride’s dress - I think about the menu and the cake. The word Christmas is full of food. Birthdays, celebrations, functions, dos of any kind. What are they serving? Inviting people over sees me pouring over recipes and lying awake at night thinking about what to serve. I’d like to say I have a psychological problem or “issues” with food. I don’t. I just love food and I can never get enough of it!
Our brains work differently
In my favourite TV series The West Wing the character Leo McGarry talks about being an alcoholic. Scripted by Aaron Sorkin and played by the late John Spencer, McGarry says this about drinking:
“I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? My brain works differently.”
That’s how I feel about food. How can you just have one chocolate or leave a meal unfinished? My brain works differently.
Longing to be normal
I’ve struggled with my weight my entire adult life because of my love for food. Rich food, the best food, the cheapest food. The takeaway burgers, the Chinese meals, curries, crisps, chocolate. I’ve never met a food I didn’t love. Apart from beetroot. Who the hell likes beetroot!?
All I ever wanted was a normal relationship with food. Be as I imagine most people are. Food a part of their lives not their entire lives. I want to be that person more than anything in the world. I’ve always wanted to be that person. But I can’t be.
Enjoy food and lose weight
I’ve been on many diets. I’ve lost weight but I’ve always put it all back on and usually a bit more for luck. Diets work for as long as you’re on a diet. Once you come off it, if you’re like me, the weight just goes back on. You have a licence to eat again.
I’ve tried to break this cycle and, so far, failed every time. I’m so tired of this yoyo. Either eating as much as I like or being on a diet. On and off. On and off. It’s exhausting. And extremely unhealthy.
Maybe this time?
I hope this time I’ve found a way to enjoy food as much as I ever did but train my brain to eat for need not greed. It’s working so far. I hope by sharing this with others who also battle their weight I can stick to it.
I want the shock of finding out Covid is much more likely to kill you if you’re overweight to keep me going. Maybe this time it’ll work. Maybe this time I’ll finally become an adult about eating. Maybe this time, I’ll win.
Intriguing Laura - can't wait to hear how on earth you did it! I realised today that being fit (not necessarily thin - but fit - which for my body type does mean thinner) makes me feel 100% happier. It's hard to understand how that isn't motivation enough to exercise and eat more healthily. But comfort levels and love of food definitely have a lot to do with it. You know the marshmallow test? The one where you get a bigger reward if you can wait for it or work towards it. I fail it every time - if I can't have something now now, I won't have it at all... I wonder how much of that is down to neurological wiring, etc. Anyway. Time to go to the gym. Eughhh.